3 AM thoughts written at 10 PM.

 I must say, something has been plaguing my mind. Just when I feel like I have finally gotten a grip on life, it slips away, far out of my reach, out of my sight. Life has been pretty heavy and busy and I think, let me just go with the flow this time. And then I meet people that make me realise how much of a cruel place this world is. Every time I think I have an idea of all the stupid thing people can say, I see someone who does something so unnervingly idiotic, it feels like the world is trying to remind me that I have seen jack shit. Nowadays, I don't know who I am and what I am supposed to be. If I am a student, getting ready to live in the world, I end up not understanding half my peers I am supposed to live with. If I am a citizen supposed to serve the country, the country will use me for my labour and push me to the side, for I am everything they do not agree with. so what am I supposed to attach my identity to?

Maybe its not just me. Maybe everyone is tired. Tired of this world that keeps demanding, but never giving. Tired of this world that is built on power that kills one to save the other. But then if everyone was tired, would that system exist? Those who are saved by the system will never call for a change, let alone dismantling the entire structure. All these words and theories, what use are they if we all know they exist but no one lifts a finger to make a change? As if I am any different. All I do is talk and write. And all these expectations and experiences that comes with age. Who cares if I have never been in a relationship in my 20 years? I have loved, is that not enough? No. Who cares if I don't have every single aspect of my future planned? I am doing what I love in this moment, why is that not enough? Because you need to live. You dared to hope. Hope for a life. 

I seem to be stuck in a wheel like a hamster, not knowing when to stop. I dream to live, work to live that dream, and live to dismantle that structure I work in. I seem to be a living contradiction, contributing to the capitalistic society while claiming to be a Marxist, Socialist, Periyarist - whatever works. How do I get out? Do I get out? But I am Gen Z. I am supposed to lead this carefree life but at the same time talk all liberal politics and support the subaltern. But I am human. It still drains me. The way this world has become desensitised worries me. 2 wars and counting and still all people talk about is which religion is better. 20+ student suicides and 2 months of protest only for the BJP to play it off as a strategic play by the opposition and bring in someone worse as the new education minister. So what do I do? Is it better to speak or to die?

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